a m p h e t a m i n e s

Saturday, June 14, 2008  

grow up.
get a life.
sorry to disappoint, but your attempts are pathetic and wonderously futile.
if its just to get revenge, well done, good try, hope it made your day and made your life a much happier place to live in.
if its of boredoms sake, then wow whee, you're really fucking bored.
sorry to tell you but new life, and many things learnt on foresight.
certainly happy to have lost you, so i could find something and someone better.
by far. already in character and personality she eclipses your non existent character and woeful personality.
keep doing what you're doing, cos its so amusing to see you behaving and saying things which label you as a not so nice person.
i guess nice people don't really go around doing things like that.
yes yes, i wasn't nice with the whole after break up affair. but its over, move on and grow up. get a life.

11:25 PM

Thursday, May 08, 2008  

no constants left, left to constant change.
a life wasted by wrong turns and poor judgement.
of wanting too much for my own good. and ending up with nothing.
i forsee all these happening over and over again. losing everything, ending up with nothing.
over and over again.

wrong choice when i didn't study hard enough.
wrong choice when i chose running over possible flying.
wrong choice when i believed i could make a difference in track and field.
wrong choice when i didn't think hard enough.
good choice that you left me and i let it go.
wrong choice

and now, its trying to make decisions that don't hinge on other decisions.
its trying to think for myself for once. something i haven't done in the longest time.
its about thinking of where to go from now.
and trying to put aside the things i would lose.
some tangible, some not yet tangible, some just plain fantasy.

i like how things are now. track, life, people.
and i don't want things to change for the worse for some parts
cos there's a good chance of it turning better if all goes well.
but if it leaves or goes away, then i guess i only have myself to blame.
im pretty much used to it anyway.
it just always happens. to me at least.

10:59 AM

Sunday, May 04, 2008  

its a need to write.
a little tugging at your heart strings telling you to let it out through words.
you write to express and to translate what you can feel into what you can read.
and you read what you write to verify what you feel.
a complete cycle of carthasis and more complexities.

i need to write.
theres so much i want to say. to say so that i might have a realization of a solution for my problems.
a hope that putting thoughts into lines can allow me to see between those lines and realise.
its putting down all your thoughts into an organised manner for easy reference,
for you to pick out which problem you feel like facing on that particular day,
and spending your day trying to solve it.
a library of a constant kalaidescope of thoughts.

i want to write.
i want to know that i can still think and process my emotions and thoughts.
that i'm not dead on the inside yet. still be able to be coherent and sensible.

writing helps you cover yourself up. it allows you to hide behind your self.
making you believe you poured all your sorrows out onto the keyboard or the paper,
and causing you to continously hide behind that fact that your problems are THERE, no longer HERE.
you unintentionally bypass the fact that nothing has changed.
and that nothing will change.


i am afraid. wary, weary.
i don't want things to change, but i want them to.
for the better.
for the even better.
for the best that i know i can be.
but im afraid.
cos sometimes you meet people too early in life,
and you wished you met them later.
still afraid.

12:40 AM

Sunday, April 20, 2008  

i used to be able to complete 27 steps with my eyes closed.
yesterday i only made it to 16.
but i made myself a promise. that i would soon be able to do it across a traffic light.
across a traffic light crossing with eyes shut and earphones on.
having "23" playing on repeat.
i realised to be able to do that would be to let go of all fear truely.
leaving yourself in the hands of a decision and a challenge to your inner self.
it isn't only the fear of the unknown you have to fight.
it is the temptation of opening your eyes, to welcoming light to engulf you.
to escape the darkness and the insecurities and let yourself go.
to somehow be safe. but give up on knowing what the final satisfaction could have been.

where do you start to generate satisfaction from something you do not agree with.
how do you push on and strive for something that isn't your effort.
how do you keep telling yourself that you are happy doing what you are doing.
and you do all you can to make things work.
except that you aren't even given a chance to start to make anything work.

mind filled with floating thoughts. you randomly swipe at them, urging them to disappear.
myriads of symbols plague your every thought.
they become nothing more than delirious ideas and ideals.
you lose sense of the magnitude of some of these issues.
but they start to mock you, they start to eat at you, they begin to become your everything.
click, breathe, swallow, exhale.
the symbols take on colours. bright mesmerizing colours.
they prance around, twirl about, take a bow.
a freight train approaches you head on. and passes right through you.
the curtains sway and dance in the streetlights.
light dances around the smouldering head.
the smoke distorts and contorts all it encompasses.
it takes you away. you stop thinking.
you close your eyes, hum yourself a song.
you open your eyes, and 5mins of your life is gone. and nothing changes.

9:46 PM

Monday, April 14, 2008  

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

10:06 PM

Sunday, April 06, 2008  

As the cheerless towns pass my window
I can see a washed out moon through the fog
And then a voice inside my head breaks the analogue
And says-

"Follow me down to the valley below
You know
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul"

I survived against the will of my twisted folk
But in the deafness of my world the silence broke
And said-

"Follow me down to the valley below
You know
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul"

My David don't you worry
This cold world is not for you
So rest your head upon me
I have strength to carry you

Ghosts of the twenties rising
Golden summers just holding you

"Follow me down to the valley below
You know
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul"

Come to us Lazarus It's time for you to go



"Life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable. And we will all, at some point in our lives fall. We will all fall.
We must carry this in our hearts, that what we have is special. That it can be taken away from us.
And that when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will all be tested to our very souls.
We will all now be tested. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves."

-Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

2:32 PM

Tuesday, March 18, 2008  

Summer time and the wind is blowing
Outside in lower Chelsea
And I don't know
What I'm doing in the city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows
And I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew
That I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid

And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don't mind
You smile
And say the world it doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
You're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

And there are things I would like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you'll never see it happen

And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, never been so alive

Where's the soul?
I wanna know
New York City's evil
The surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
And I'll get over you
You wonder who I am

And there's this burning
Just like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
So alive

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain
I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt
And taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming
To take me
home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

11:09 PM

Thursday, March 06, 2008  

With the sound of the ocean crashing,
7:30 Friday evening,
Everything comes tumbling down

I choke back each tear that bleeds,
I'd rather rest forever in your arms
I'd rather stay here, than go,
But I know that you want to leave

As I sit here helpless

Don't go

You said you wouldn't, You said you wouldn't
Don't go

You said you wouldn't, You said you couldn't

I think of our time together,
Is it fading, or am I dreaming?
Everything you said lives on

I cherish our memories
I wanna kiss your tears away tonight
It's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave

Don't go
Don't go
My eyes, they see through your soul
Don't go
Don't go
I say as you walk out my door

With the sound of the ocean crashing,
7:30 Friday evening,
Everything comes tumbling down

12:32 PM

Monday, June 25, 2007  

i can believe things that are true and i can believe things that aren't true and i can believe
things where nobody knows if they're true or not. i can believe in santa claus, the easter bunny,
the little mermaid, peter pan, the beatles and macdonalds.
i believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by some
fat lazy kids munching on their hot dogs plonked in front of their computer screens typing away
to some system code that means jack fuck to the average human being. i believe that the future
of this world can be good or it can be bad. that one day dear old rocky barbosa or hulk hogan
will come back and kick every politicians ass.
i believe that all men are just little kids who have problems communicating and expressing
themselves, so they use sex as a way to explore possiblilities and open up themselves to the
people around them. i believe that in order to solve the country's decreasing birth rates problem,
sex booths or more secluded carparks should be erected all in the name of - population increase.
i believe that singapore is going to sink under the sea when all the ice at both ice caps melt
and tekong will be nothing more than a safe house for the mentally deranged soldiers who will
be surrounded 24/7 by mud and water.
i believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistence to dirt and disease so that one day
we'll be all wiped out by the commonest of common colds.i believe that neil gaiman is the best
author of the 20th century. and that jade is dried dragon sperm, made valuable by a country retard
1000yrs back in china.
i believe that light is a wave and at the same time a particle.and that words are not considered
to be any form of matter unless put in a book and publish the book. i believe that there are stars in
the universe that are millions of years older than those on the shelf now.
i believe in a personal God who cares about me and worries and oversees everything i do. i believe
in an impersonal God who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with his girlfriends
and his booze. i believe in an empty and Godless universe of chaos, background noises and sheer
blind luck. i believe that anyone who claims to know whats going on will lie about the little things too.
i believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies.
i believe that life is a game, life is a cruel joke and that life is what happens when you're alive and
that you might as well lie back and enjoy it

10:43 PM

Monday, April 30, 2007  

and so the balloon climbed.
carried by the gentle song of wind,
she saw above them all.

wind sang and enchanted.
sun smiled a wry little smile.
but cloud, well cloud wondered.

albatross spun and did a pirouette
gull planted kisses on her face
cloud tried to sooth her.

and still she climbed.

and so she climbed.

without warning, she was gone.
lost to sky.
lost from me.

and i stood staring at the heavens
in the middle of the lush rolling hills.
wishing i never let the string go.
wishing i could tie her around my finger
with a loose bow knot.
giving myself a sense that she's still here with me.

but i don't want to ever have to wish

1:14 AM

Monday, March 05, 2007  

there's a playground that we used to run on
the penny-drop that broke her arm
the monkey bars that you fell from
the swingset chain that stuck with my tongue
it's thirty below and we're far gone
if you plant yourself here I wouldn't miss you for long
but then comes the day when you leave town
i'm back to the way I was when you weren't around

if you want to know what that was like
i'll tell you first, it was way too quiet
it rained a hundred nineteen days of the year
i spent my time falling down the stairs
i know i can't tie you to a leash
but something tells me you'll go further than Greece
and then i'll have to figure out what to do
i'm kind of afraid i'm co-dependent on you

there's a rooftop deck where we still hang out
a couple of bars where we're not allowed
the roller-skates that threw you on your face
the park on the hill which was our only space
the fog is fast and it rolls right in
about the time i struck my first fifth of gin
i really don't mean to complain too much
but this is turning me into quite the lush

I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down
Before momentum picked up
Now all these doors are locked
The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still
If time was really racing by
You could see it when you drive

I'm freaking out that we're running out of time
But to do what?
Should I stop and think of that?
Is there something I could do to slow it down?
Live in a day for once
Instead of watch it screaming by

You're a dandelion seed That flies through the air And lands randomly Then disappears.

9:20 PM

Tuesday, February 06, 2007  

i missed you by 18minutes.kill me please.thanks.


tell the piped piper i want to hear him whistle a tune
something soothing, something smooth.
play those notes between your teeth
an enchanting melodious euphony.

tell the piped piper i would go along with him
following the seams of his tailcoat like a puppy to a bone.
close my eyes and drown in your song
i know you'll watch my step, show the way.

tell the piped piper i need him now
i'm curled up on the cold bare floor
haunted by the notes he played.
flashes of him struting down that red brick road
whistling through his pearly sets.
my eyes roll back
i see my insides,
chunks of kidney,
strips of lung,
diced up brain,
shread up heart.

here he comes the merry piped piper.
no longer whistling that enchanting tune.
he smiles at me. winks through his ray ban aviators.
lights his cigar that he took out from his diamond encrusted case.
and he puts his lips to that blood red pipe bag.
and he's all ready to play me a tune.

3:40 PM

Sunday, January 28, 2007  

him - life is all bout taking chances. you make some choices that you think might actually
turn out right. there isn't a guide book telling you which decision you make or which
risk you gamble on would bring you whatever result. the way i see it, there's only
two ways these things turn out. its either you fall headfirst into something ridiculously
amazing, and only realised you took a risk halfway down, or you decide upon risking it all
to take a risk. one way or another, you've already dived headfirst into something. and the
next only possible thing to happen is to hit a conclusion at the end of that fall. and if i were to
survive that fall, coming out of it with only a few bruises, but still hear that you gave me one
shot at this, then it justifies taking that risk, taking that plunge. because the only thing that
drives me on is you. and it would be worth everything in hope that it might happen.





marianne williamson - our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous talented and fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of God. your playing small does not
serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure about you. we were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. and as we are liberated
from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.





i say - the days are short, and are too soon over
the nights for good or bad, can seem endless.

so live life so its worth living.

11:29 PM

Wednesday, December 27, 2006  

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

12:42 AM

Sunday, December 17, 2006  

words, just made up of 26 letters arranged in some random universally set order.
how could 26 simple alphabets hold such power. to materialise thoughts,
to give life to emotions, to bring the past back to the present.
sometimes i feel arranging these letters in these set orders are so much easier than conveying feelings.


people from the country of Finaland are known as Finnish. it just felt funny actually saying it out loud.

somethings are just best left the way they are. it sounds awkwardly familiar. i remember someone
telling this to me.

that night i saw a shooting star. only the second time i saw one in my damn life. and i didn't actually
see it see it, but i caught it with the corners of my eye. the left eye. the corner which you use to
block people out. to give them an accidental miss.
and when the star fell i thought of Faerie. and if it was possible to leave the mundane and
have my share of small grey men, talking trees, slimy witches and Stormhold lore.
but it struck me that it slipped my mind to remember where that star fell.


and we dream the dreams we long to dream. for i am the former of dreams, the maker of
everything false and fantastical. your very own doppelganger. just like clouds in the night sky,
ever present, yet never visible. and you will find it enticing to long to sail among the clouds
through fluff after fluff. but the thought remains a thought. never forming into something tangible.
unless of course you manage to find Captain Delaney, his crew, and the flying boat of dreams.
but you might have to be patient for they travel only once a season. when the clouds
and stars are ripe for the harvesting. so be patient. and wait. but some are still waiting.

and when you're up there among the clouds, take some time to star gaze. for they seem within
your grasp. you reach out your hand and they seem to just settle in your open palm.
the stars you see might look like potraits born out of dreams. but dreams they are.
and dreams they remain. for they are no longer there, the stars. they have faded.

did you know people can die because the mind tells the heart to stop working and
that it could take a break?


i cant start to stop. but i will. forgetting you.

and words they form stories. and one day i'll tell you a story. one about a boy. who dreamed pipe dreams.
who dreamed about the peaks of mountain tops. about the mist on the morning roads. who dreamed he was
a bassist. in a rock band singing bout love, life and L. who lived in a world living in fear of the Shinhabi,
who came out of hiding after centuries and staked thier claim as the sole conquerors of all the land.
who dreamed bout conquering the Shinhabi them with the help of his blade Yvaine.
who dreamed about the stars. and the clouds. and how they should never be harvested.
because somethings are best left the way they are. this sounds familiar. i must have heard it somewhere.
i wonder where.

3:03 AM

Sunday, November 19, 2006  

well you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
you promised me everything you promised me thick and thin
now you just say oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

I can't do the talk like the talk on the tv
and I can't do a love song like the way its meant to be
I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you
can't do anything except be in love with you

a lovestruck romeo sings the streets a serenade
laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
says something like you and me babe how about it?

3:07 PM

Sunday, October 29, 2006  

fall. falling. fallen. ouch.
me. objective case of I.

which is which.
that the mind is a veil for the soul.
or that the soul is a complement of the mind.

hey now now.
the smallest things are crushing me now.
the crush crush crush sounds are so comforting now.

i took a swim in my comatose state of mind
and i saw horses, malls, a stationary shop selling plastic file holders of many sorts.
i saw a carousel outside the funeral parlour next to the ice cream vendors stall.

and there was nothing else to do.
but there was only you.

5:37 PM

Sunday, October 08, 2006  

memories are unreliable. memories aren't perfect. it isn't even that good to start with.
cops don't catch a killer by sitting around remembering stuff,
they collect things, they make notes, and they draw conclusions.
facts. not memories.
memory can change the shape of a room. can change the colour of a car.
and memory can be distorted.
they're just an interpretation.
and they are irrelevant if you've got the facts.

that is why i write you down. to remember you by.
you begin remembering scenes by words, remebering smell, taste, sound, colour, touch by words.
and you end up remembering feelings and emotions with words.
plain pencil scribbled marks on blue lines that get printed in bulk across white stainless paper.
that becomes your emotion. that becomes your mind, your memory.
maybe one day you'll finally escape my mind and end up at the tip of my pencil.
where I'll write you all out,
and free you from my mind, but trap you in my notebook.

7:12 PM

Sunday, October 01, 2006  

My voice is tired
I can barely speak or whisper these words
We clear our minds
And these broken bottles and glasses
Heal our lives.

So drinks to the skies and blood to your eyes
This rooftop is understanding
And swallow your pride, or choke till you die
Cause this fall's unforgiving
So call on your angels
To get your fall tonight
And I'll crawl on my hands
Pouring out my insides.

I'll wait for you . Hoping to change your mind . Cos hoping's all I can do.

These days are tired and these nights are overwhelming
And we spoke through silence
A routine silence, with nothing more to say
I'll be understanding tonight
I understand everything tonight.

And I'm dying because your leaving
Hopes abandoned, my heart's still beating
But I never gave up trying
I did everything for you
I did everything

So I'll wait for you . Hoping to change your mind . I'll wait for you.

12:33 AM

Sunday, September 17, 2006  

If you pick up the pieces
I'll put them together
Only time can be the glue
Only time will let them dry.

Only you
And me inside my head
Time and time again
These talks turn to stone.

And when they dry
We will be ready
Only time can keep your heart steady
On beat.

Weve been searching the sky for answers
I look to the stars so that I feel small
And my problems dont seem so big anymore.

6:55 PM

Monday, August 28, 2006  

its as if it was made to be that all bad things were to come as
one giganormous punch to the sternum.
where you constantly and unintentionally allow yourself to be drowned by the
pain inflicted by that blow.
drowning in that murky bitter tasting fluid of sorrow and depression
which engulfs your entire being, from your dreams to your ideals to your desires.
and you begin to notice nothing.
a nothingness bordering on the fringes of numbness
a feeling that feels nothing.

where is that promise of giving so as to be given.
to justify and prove that the best efforts will never be futile.
its just an overwhelming situation that goes beyond not getting where i want to go.
but maybe also not being ever to get a chance to show you the possibilities.




I'm sittin' here all by myselfjust tryin' to think of something to doTryin' to think of something, anythingjust to keep me from thinking of youBut you know it's not working out'cause you're all that's on my mindOne thought of you is all it takesto leave the rest of the world behind

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myselfthat you're not the one for meBut the more I think, the less I believe itand the more I want you here with meYou know the holidays are coming upI don't want to spend them aloneMemories of Christmas time with youwill just kill me if I'm on my own

what i wouldn't give to have just this one more chance tonight.

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitarBut with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very farI look around my room and everything I see reminds me of youOh please, baby won't you take my handwe've got nothing left to prove.we've got nothing left to lose.

9:52 PM

Saturday, August 12, 2006  

hey there
i've got so much left to say
if every simple song i wrote to you
would take your breath away
i'd write it all,
even more in love with me you'd fall
we'd have it all.

1:35 AM

Sunday, July 09, 2006  

If you be my star, I’ll be your sky
Hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light,
I live to let you shine

And you can sky rocket away, from me,
And never come back if you find another galaxy,
Far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you be my boat,
I’ll be your sea,
The depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity,
Ebbing and flowing, and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free

But you can set sail to the west if you want to
And pass the horizon till I can’t even see you,
Far from here, where the beaches are white
Just leave me awake to remember you by.

12:25 PM

Sunday, June 18, 2006  

lost in the milky way,
smile at the empty sky and wait for,
the moment a million chances may all collide.
i'll be the guiding light,
swim to me through stars that shine down.
and call to the sleeping world as they fall to earth.

so heres your life,
we'll find our way,
we're sailing blind,
but its certain nothings certain.
from cradles and sleepless nights,
you breathe in life forever,
and stare at the world from deep under eiderdown.

although this world is a crazy ride,
you just take your seat and hold on tight.
for the first time,
i dont mind,
i get the feeling,
you'll be fine.

10:04 PM

Thursday, June 15, 2006  

remembering, everything,
about my world and when you came.
wondering, the change you’d bring,
means nothing else would be the same.

did you know, what you were doing, did you know.
did you know how you would move me well,
i don’t really think so.
but the night came down and swept us away.
and the stars they seemed,
to paint the most elaborate scene to date.

did you know how you would move me,
did you know?
did you know how you would move me?
well, I don’t even think so.

but the moment's magic swept us away.
and it’s so close,
but we’re so far away.
It’s so close, but we’re so far away.

11:05 PM